the usual....

7:30 am


I really don’t have much time today, but I feel like I need to write.

It’s this 350 stuff that has me truly bummed I think. Well, that and everything else, like how hard the college search is, how badly I feel like I am failing with making a good home situation for G, farm stuff, I’ve done nothing about the woodlot, and how poorly I am doing with anything resembling a “business.” So you see, I am feeling like crap.

The 350 just feels like a failure. And when it occurs it will be even more of one. How is it that we managed to be doing both kinds of things – the pond cleanup and an info event – and are doing neither very well. The idea was that we had the common reserved, so we should make use of it. Once the groundswell for doing a pond clean-up happened, we should have just gone with that and cancelled the event idea. My bad I suppose. Now we are trying to do both with a very small core of overworked folks. My efforts right now should go into publicizing, at the colleges and elsewhere. K let me know that I already failed with the churches, since their bulletins get printed early in the week. I can try to contact some people and ask them to make an announcement, that will have to do. And I need to get the word out somehow to the college scene. Fuck. Today? As if I have nothing else to do at work…. Of course, I was home doing “nothing” all day yesterday. Well, I carded that angora and it took a long time and I’m glad I got it done. And I did write up the minutes. And cut up and bake more of the vegetables, and I emptied the car and went out and ran errands with G. I didn’t entirely waste my time.

Damn I gotta go. Get lunch together, feel buns, eat breakfast, catch the 8:15 bus which means leaving here at 8:10. Ha.

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Bunnies!

I finally got a photo of some of the buns I have available. I will make up a poster to put here and there. I am often surprised at who sees and responds to the posters.

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Mountain Day!!!

7:30
    Today is Mountain Day!!! What a treat. To explain: every fall the president of the college declares one day Mountain Day and all classes are cancelled. I got myself up early in order to get to the 8:20 bus so I could be at work by 9 in order to reassemble quizzes, then meet with 2 students before lecture at 11, then I would grab lunch and get my head around lab and then teach lab at 1. But now I have to do none of that!! Or rather I must do it all, but not today. I was thinking I would still need to go in to do the exam, but we will not be able to return them until Friday, so we can put them together tomorrow. And I’m hoping the students can meet Thurs. I don’t want to drive all the way down there for just a short thing. I worked really hard yesterday, even in spite of it being my bday, so it is nice to have this day today.
    Yesterday I finished the quiz page grading. Wow, I’m trying to think what else I possibly did that could be considered work. Well, I had 2 lab papers to finish, but they were very quick. And I had to deal with the basement guy, and make some household calls. A friend came for a visit which was really nice. We just drank tea and sat and chatted. I did not do a thing about emptying the car, mainly because it was raining all day. I did manage to get in a walk to Misty Bottom with Tigger which was nice. The hardest part of the day was later when G got home. The college fair was last night, and she had agreed that we would talk college stuff a bit in the afternoon. She did not get home until about 4:30 and she was obviously exhausted. She did NOT want to talk about it, but I decided I had to be pushy. And I’m glad I was because she is obviously having a really hard time with the whole task of choosing which colleges to apply to. Somehow it is really overwhelming. God I wish that somehow it were easier and that she could feel even a little good or excited about it. She says she wants to go to college, she’s not worried about leaving, being somewhere new, making friends, any of that, it’s just that none of the places she’s looked at are very inspiring to her. I think they seem too mainstream. She seems to want something quirky and different. Maybe I’ll play around a bit on line today and see if I can discover anything useful. We meet with the college counselor in 2 weeks and I have a feeling that will NOT be useful. Or at any rate that it will be even more stress inducing. Anyway, after working at talking around the subject for quite a while yesterday, we finally went to the college fair and it was AWFUL!! Way way way too crowded, nearly impossible to find schools or get to them, we chatted briefly with someone from Green Mountain, and someone from Marlboro, and then left. So the idea of G cooking supper, or buying me supper at Mom’s Place, or feeding the buns went out the window. Oh well. I think I will meditate and feed the buns now and see what the day brings. Emptying the car for one, and tidying for another.
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8:30 am
    It’s my birthday today – Happy Birthday Me! And best birthday ever because I woke up to a phone call from my lovely teenage daughter calling from HS to wish me Happy Bday and on the floor outside my door there was a lovely package of chocolate (!) and a note from her. So sososososo nice! And she says she’ll cook me supper tonight. Unbelievable! After that, oh thrill, we’ll go to the HS college fair.
    My birthday tradition is to try to spend at least part of the day doing something just for me and taking a nice hike somewhere. Today the weather is pretty iffy, so I don’t know…. I might just go up Bare Mountain, me and Tigger.
    Besides that, I must finish grading my quiz page, 2 lab assignments, write out “minutes” from last night’s meeting. So it will be busy and I’d better get to it.


First though, here's photos from the Fiber Twist - my booth:

Any suggestions are welcome... nice helpful critique on how things look, what I could do better....

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8 am


I’m sitting out in the “sun room” using K’s computer which is nice. “sunroom” is in quotes since a rather cold definitely autumnal rain is falling today, so sun there is not. I am very glad that I checked the weather and brought in the laundry last night.

I was very discouraged after Saturday’s fair. I only made $300 and after the fee that comes to $250. It seems so ridiculous and Saturday night I realized that I was having trouble going to sleep because I was so angry. All the work involved in just plain making things, then one must add in everything else: the time involved in labeling things, packing the car, setting up/taking down, sitting there all day talking talking talking to people. I for the most part don’t mind talking to folks, certainly I love talking about my bunnies and spinning, and fiber prep, all that, I just wish they would buy stuff!!!! The reality is that for the time I spend making them, my items are way underpriced. But if I priced them higher then really no-one would buy them. It is a dilemma. I did some Focusing Meditation – where I visualize what feels bad (it always rests right in my belly) and then visualize changing it in some way – that is how I realized that my main emotion was anger – and that helped me feel much better. Didn’t of course solve anything, but I felt better and could sleep.

Then yesterday I spent more or less all day grading. Yuckola.  K went to the Transition Towns meeting which I had been thinking of going to, but I realized that there was no way. I have not really heard from him how it went. I have also dropped the ball somewhat on 350. I’m sure there is shitloads I should be doing and I haven’t. I guess I’ll try to think about it today. And also write 2 recommendations, and everything else I need to do. What I won’t do is give blood. I am scheduled to, but I won’t have the car and it would be way too hard to try to figure out how to get to the site. I need to reschedule for a time when it is easy for me to get to.

This cold rain makes me realize that Winter is in fact coming and guess what – I am far far far from ready. We should order another load of wood (for next year, we have enough for this year), and we need to split what we have. I also really need to get hold of the chimney sweep. Maybe I can put K onto the task of getting another chimney cap that I was supposed to do last year! I am embarrassed that I did not get it then and I don’t want to call the chimney sweep because of it! How stupid is that?

Oh, nice thing – L just called to ask me to send her the Once music book and we chatted for just a minute. I had been feeling guilty because I had not been in touch with her at all (guilt guilt guilt – one of my fortés), but she was fine. I need to remember that if she needs me or anything she will call. And that is fine. Ok, gotta go feed buns, take a shower, get ready for work.

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Blah Blah Blah

I am currently grading lab assignments and feeling utterly blah. My day yesterday was not especially lucrative, it was a lot of work, I still have to unload the car, and I wish I could be doing something fun, but instead I am grading. And when I finish I can start in on the quizzes they took on Fri. Sorry to gripe, but isn't it nice to have a gripe venue?
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Fiber Twist

I am EXHAUSTED having just returned from the Fiber Twist. I have yet to make an accounting of what/how much I sold, I am too tired! Perhaps tomorrow I can actually write some real Morning Pages/post.
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Depression

8 am
    I am depressed and I’m tired of feeling this way. How much is situational, and how much is chemical/organic is an interesting question. Last year sometime I upped the amount of antidepressant I take, I had been taking just a tiny amount, then I doubled it. It is still a pretty small amount as these things go. I’m sure my doctor would be fine with changing my prescription to make it a bit stronger, but I hate to do that. I don’t like taking medication. Of course, most people it seems feel that way. But it also sucks to feel so often like I am slogging my way through a vat of molasses. It’s worst in the morning (when I write morning pages! Is it obvious?) and also when I have to drive anywhere. I’m glad I can usually take the bus to work, because then I can knit and that helps a lot. I have to be careful not to listen to too much news on the radio because oh boy that can be depressing for anyone. And it does not help when most conversations with K involve him venting about something awful, whether it be how terrible things are at work, or how terrible things are for his mother, or how badly the students he works with on the Spring Break trips behave, or how terrible the renters at the rental house are behaving….. it is terrible! Either that or he talks about the dog. The only cheerful thing is to go on and on about the dog. How funny this or that is. He buzzed Tigger’s toenails last night and then went on and on about how quiet he now is – stealth corgi – stuff like that. No more Click and Clack the tappet corgi. It’s amusing to a certain point, I will hand it to him, he comes up with excellent puns, that is one of his fortes, but it gets wearing.
    I guess I am just in major complaining mood. Perhaps because I was so tired last night. And work, though stimulating and interesting, is also pretty hard this fall. G warned me that he would be teaching by the seat of his pants, he has never taught this course with these labs, and so we are somewhat winging it. It just makes for a lot more work, as I must do more prep and we need to spend time trying things out and seeing how they work. I really screwed up yesterday because of my lack of experience with Excel. We had thought to do a very mini tutorial on graphing their results, but we were also trying to leave them lots of leeway to decide for themselves what and how to graph – make them actually think things through. So it was not a matter of show them how to make this graph. And that got me caught up because while I am fine with making bar graphs, I am not so great with scatter plots comparing 2 variables, especially if they are to average several values for each. I need my own little tutorial and that will take time. It was frustrating, though the rest of lab went well, and it was fun having the mice and toads to play with.
    Next exhausting thing is this 350 event. It generated at least a hundred emails into my box yesterday! Overload! Once I get a move on this morning I will have to deal with some of that. I don’t really want to at the moment. The one good thing about this event is that it will all happen and be done on 10/10. That is a big part of why I agreed to do so much for it.
    I decided not to completely put away all the dyeing stuff, even though I did manage to exhaust all my dye, because I’m not too thrilled with some of the colors (of the exhausting stuff) so I think I will set up a few pots to over-dye them (oh dear, the potential exists for a Never-ending dye-pot). When? Well maybe I will put some in the solar dyer today as it is supposed to be sunny. And other than that, it will have to wait for Sunday as Friday I must get ready for the Fiber Twist.
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Electrical work

8 am
    At around 8:15 the electrician is coming to look at the basement and the huge list that K came up with this morning. I wonder how much all this will cost….. then at 9 I need to leave so that I have some time before lecture to get my brain around what I am doing this afternoon. Which leaves not really very much time to write since I need to feed buns, meditate? get lunch together. I am not bringing goodies to lab today. Part of me thought oh I’ll just whip up some brownies – I made some yesterday for G’s lab – but I don’t think he was that thrilled with it, and I don’t want to feel like I HAVE to do that every single week. So they will have to manage. It might be a short lab, except that I want to work on the excel graphing with them, so I think it will end up going all the way. The group yesterday was looking really glazed by 3:50 while G was going over graphing, brownies would help keep them awake… if I had plain chocolate I would maybe bring that.
    I thought I would get all the dyeing finished and cleaned up yesterday, but instead it took all the time I was home to try to exhaust the dye and I still didn’t finish. I left one pot to cool last night. If it is not completely exhausted, well too bad, I think I will toss what is left. And I set one pan in my cardboard solar cooker – I understand it will be pretty hot and sunny today so I have hopes for that. I still want to finish spinning the skeins of fawn angora I started so they will be available for the Fiber Twist on Sat. I’ll have to get a move on, still over an ounce to spin and the next several days are very busy.
   
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9:40 am
    It is only 9:30 and I am already exhausted. On the other hand, it is already 9:30 and I have hardly gotten anywhere along the road that must be traversed today. Woa, is that some metaphor or what? I have made 2 important phone calls, done my stretches, and checked email (twice). Funny how often one can check email…. I have not yet fed buns, or mediated, or eaten breakfast and I am starving.
    I woke up at around 5:30 and then could not get back to sleep (hot flashes and anxiety don’t help). The anxiety was mostly due to worrying about our sketchy 350 event for which we had a meeting last night. I somehow ended up running the meeting, and in spite of that I am not thrilled with the outcome. We ended up deciding to do this Puffers Pond clean-up along with informational booths. It was only when the pond idea started getting tossed about that some sort of excitement started to be generated, and in retrospect I should have just gone with it. I personally don’t like the idea for a bunch of reasons ( 1. it is a bit of a stretch to connect it directly with global warming – maybe the lower water which has resulted in trees falling into the pond is due to actual climate changes and is an indication of future events, but maybe not.  2. We must first get permission to do this clean-up, maybe not a simple thing and 3. It is a remediation action, not a preventative action, if that makes sense) but  it seems like an idea that the group was able to get behind, and I put a bit of a wrench in the swelling enthusiasm by bringing up my issues. Anyway, the idea now is to do the clean-up AND the info booths. And I think it is going to be way too much. And I tried to get commitments for jobs to be done, but after realized that we forgot some crucial ones, like who is going to be in charge of the clean-up itself – getting tools, finding out what needs to be done and how…… I mean if we are talking  chain saws to cut up logs, well that is not something that a bunch of old ladies (which is, after all, most of what comes to these meetings) is going to do.
    Enough. As for today, I MUST MUST MUST get some stuff cleaned up. I have the entire back deck covered with dyeing stuff. There is still a good bit of residual dye in a lot of the pots, and I want to exhaust that, so I guess I’ll set the stove and the solar dyer back up and see if I can exhaust it all before I finally put it all away. Then there is the kitchen. It is in pretty bad shape. So tidying is on the books for today. That’s ok, I’ll put on the radio and get to it. Maybe I’ll even wash plastic bags…. Of course there is also lots of laundry awaiting attention, too.
    Enough enough enough, time for action…..
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More Dye Photos

8:30 am
    I meditated first thing this morning; I suppose because I woke up but didn’t want to get out of bed. Well that’s ok; it means I can eat breakfast while I write. Of course I already spent half an hour on the computer looking up stuff about To Kill a Mockingbird in anticipation of our book club meeting tonight. I am very much enjoying reading it. Don’t know if I’ll actually finish by tonight but that is ok.
    The only thing I actually got done yesterday was dyeing.

My Big Dyeing Mess

But it was very satisfying. I used the camp stoves, since it was cool and partly cloudy.

I think I’ve got some good deep colors, which is what I was aiming for.

I still must rinse a couple of sets. In fact, I think I’ll crank the stove back up and let one pot steam again, I’m not sure it completely set.

I’m thinking I will bring the batts as is to the Fiber Twist and see if any of them sell. If not, well that’s ok because then I can spin them myself! My friend suggested I spin up a sample to show folks what it would look like spun. I can do that.
    It was really nice having her come visit. I messed with the dye and spun, she just sat and chatted. I also spent quite a while talking with K on the phone. His Mom is not doing at all well and it sounds like it’s a matter of months, maybe even weeks. K says she is yellow from the liver not processing bile, and that to me would indicate less time. And she is not really eating. But she is still trying to “get everything done,” driving Gpa crazy with her lists of jobs for him, like cleaning out the garage. Good god, if you are dying (no “e” this time) what does it matter if the garage is clean?????? Are my lists just as bad? I don’t quite imagine I will care if the garage is clean when I am dying, since I do not apparently care now.

Well, I do care, I actually wish like anything that it was all nice and tidy instead of a heap of junk, but I do not want to spend the time cleaning it. Maybe if I had someone I could tell what to do, I would tell them to tidy the garage. Maybe it just makes Gma still feel alive and useful if she can tell Gpa what to do and get it done. Reminds me of when we were leaving Clarksburg for Texas. I had about 2 hours until we had to leave. Enough time to go up in the woods for a nice quiet sit. But instead I spent the time painting the porch railing, which I knew was going to be left ultimately unfinished, but this way it was slightly (2 hours worth) less unfinished. Did that make any difference in the world? No. would I have been better off going up to commune with my beloved woods, probably, but I felt somehow compelled (not by anything outside, just internally compelled, by my own obsessive nature) to get in that last bit of painting. Maybe Gma feels the same way. It is kind of sad.
    While supposedly meditating this morning, I instead was thinking about the 350 campaign. And my great idea is that we focus our event on making solar ovens. We could gather the leaders sometime before to all learn how to make them, then on the 10th that would be the focus: come to the common to make a solar oven. We can solicit small donations to help pay for the reflective stuff, we can tell people to bring cardboard boxes, though we can also provide a whole bunch, we can have other tables nearby with other stuff – about the Transition Towns, writing letters, stuff like that. We could try to get some non-sound system folks to provide music – the guy who plays steel drums, the Grannies, one of the numerous college acappella groups? Maybe we could even get someone from the papers to come to our practice session and write it up. Now I am excited. Perhaps I will write up my ideas and send out before our meeting.
    What I REALLY should do today is some major tidying. I am in fact probably not due to die in the next few weeks (one never knows, but god willin’ etc) and so I have no great excuse for leaving the house to continue on its descent to chaos.

the kitchen table (can you see it??)

The Basement - newly (nearly) finished. How long will it be this clean?

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More Todos

9:40 am
    What a wonderful thing – a whole weekend alone with nothing scheduled!! But lots of the ToDo list. And lots of the previous ToDo list that I have not yet done.

* Woodlot
o find the form needed to get the $600 from the state for the green certification
o get a copy of the trust
o get info about the windmills out to the whole gang
o facilitate whatever communication is needed to make the cutting decisions
* work
o just be sure I am ready for today’s lab
o get lab group info pulled together
o send out contact emails to the 2 labs
o read new lab write up
* 350
o Put up posters at Hampshire and MHC
o Send out message urging folks to all use group email for all messages
o Get our info onto 350.org
o Update the Amherst 350 site
* House
o Make sure all is ok with basement work
o Call chimney sweep
o Get chimney cap
o Call re windows
o Call re insulation
o Finish pulling insulation out of walls – do I need to do that in attic?

Ugh, that is pretty depressing, so many things still undone. But I have a new list today and this one is much nicer!
* Take photos of bunnies to make a for sale poster
* Mail off the finished hat
* Mail Jonathon Livingston Seagull book to L for her seagull loving prof
* Finish and mail off cowl
* Cook vegetables from CSA farm
* Pluck Beatrix (to get more fawn fiber that I can finish spinning for the Fiber Twist)
* Set up dye pots (solar dyeing seems to be done for the year until I can arrange more effective solar heating
So too bad for the other todo list, I think that at least today I will focus on this more fun stuff. I worked really hard yesterday and the day before on the 350.org stuff, I don’t know if anything will come of it in the end, but I need to take a break from it.
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My Life - and nothing fibrous! Sob!

8 am
    I’ve got to think, and making use of morning pages to do it seems as good an idea as any. My brain is disturbingly filled up with a combination of Woodstock, Henry James, and Mockingbird. The Woodstock because K is obsessively reading about it and keeps reading excerpts, even when I go into the kitchen and start crashing about doing things so that it seems it would be obvious that I am not listening, he keeps reading away. I finally had to tell him that G needed to concentrate on the college survey she was trying to fill out, and that he would have to save the reading for later. Henry James because I am finally to an interesting part of Portrait of a Lady - she seems finally poised to do something about her lousy marriage. And Mockingbird because I am reading that in between everything else. It is very soothing, familiar.
    What I really need to think about is all the stuff I have to do: woodlot stuff, work stuff, 350 stuff, house stuff and I’m sure I’m missing a bunch.
* Woodlot
o find the form needed to get the $ from the state for the green certification
o get a copy of the trust
o get info about the windmills out to the whole gang
o facilitate whatever communication is needed to make the cutting decisions
* work
o just be sure I am ready for today’s lab
o get lab group info pulled together
o send out contact emails to the 2 labs
o read new lab write up
* 350
o Put up posters
o Send out message urging folks to all use group email for all messages
o Get our info onto 350.org
o Update the local 350 site
* House
o Make sure all is ok with basement work
o Call chimney sweep
o Get chimney cap
o Call re windows
o Call re insulation
o Finish pulling insulation out of walls – do I need to do that in attic?
Ok, so any idea of either meditation or writing more is gone. I need to get started on all this. And leave here by about 9 so I can do the postering. I can finish reading the lab and do some house calls from work.

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Photos

I actually do NOT have time to write this morning - I must get on the bus for work soon, so I will just post some photos as a reward for anyone who actually slogs through my usual entries.

Modified Solar Dye Set up

Lovely Solar dyed Batts

Another batt

Carded Batt
Ready to Dye

And another

My New Project - Lined Headband

Finished Hat

Kitchen disaster

Kitchen Success!

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Basement Refinish Day!

8 am
    Time for MP’s today because it is my lovely day home from work. Which does not mean I do not have gobbers of work to do. I do. I have to write up notes for lab, that is the most important, because I need to be ready to teach lab tomorrow. I also really need to go over the stats in excel so that I do not look like a complete moron when I go over it with the students. Yesterday was very frustrating, I spent hours, pretty much all afternoon, getting the equipment calibrated. And it was not the calibrating that was the issue, it was saving the calibration in the computer so that it would be there when the computer is restarted today. And it was a matter of clicking on this one tiny thing, but not clicking on this other tiny thing. The prof knew it, I did not, and after trying to figure it out for an hour I finally asked him. He showed me, very easy. Then I went to set up the second computer and damn damn damn I could not. He showed me again, this time I wrote it down (duh) and could do the other 2. Very very frustrating. Still, it was somewhat satisfying to finally get it to work. I also need to write a reference, and set up grade sheets for my lab groups. And I should read the text reading that was assigned, at least skim over it. Enough about work.
    The basement guys are coming today, they should be here in half an hour or so. In fact, maybe I’d better get dressed so I am not in my pajamas (such as they are) when they arrive….. done. But I’d also better get down there soon and finish bringing all the darkroom stuff up. I should be excited about all this, I’m hoping it will look great when they are all done. But I hate spending so much money. It’s close to $10,000 and that is a whole honking lot. Well, it is happening, and so it will be great. Then there is the insulation stuff upstairs to happen, and the windows being replaced, lots going on house-wise. And I really really really need to call the chimney sweep guy. But I never got the new cap put on the chimney and I’m afraid he’s going to yell at me. Oh brother. I pay the guy, he is not going to yell at me. He might well reiterate what he said last year, which is that I need a new cap.
    Fiber stuff – much more fun! I am all ready to start carding a bunch of white Romney wool, to blend with some nice gray angora to dye. I left some of the other batts dyeing in the solar set up over the weekend, but I don’t think it really got hot enough. I tried rinsing them out and the color was not very dark. So I left them again, and I will see how hot it gets over the next few days. Solar dyeing days may be over, or I may need to get a nice big box that I can line with foil to make a more official oven that I can fit the batts in. I do have a small oven, and I did a jar of angora in it over the weekend, maybe I’ll see if the batts could fit there. It does get hotter than just the black, glass covered bin. I
    I finished the hat I was making (remaking) for the woman from Wellesley. I’ll contact her. I think it came out real nice this time. Now I have started another headband, lined this time. And I am going to just knit it, not use a rib, see how that works.
    I have been somewhat obsessively looking at other blogs lately. It seems that one way to get blog attention is to read and comment on other people’s blogs. And maybe even become an official follower of some. It can be discouraging because of the whole comparison thing, but I will try to avoid that.  You know what is funny – I generally aim for writing a page for my Morning Page(s), and it has gotten to the point where I feel somehow done, then I check and in fact am exactly at one page. Well, not today because of this little end ramble…
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Passivity

8:30 am
    Writing at the farm, we got here around 4 yesterday.
    I am a terribly passive person. I’ve thought about that before. And one of my strongest motivations is to not annoy anyone. It comes, I think, of being the youngest of 4 sisters, and being thus by definition, annoying. So what it means is that I spend a lot of time gauging others to figure out their needs and wants so I can be sure to comply. I think that is a common female thing, and maybe just more so for me. That really came into play last weekend when my first reaction, on hearing of the trouble with Tigger, was that I had to take him away from there so he would no longer bother anyone. It often keeps me from doing something, because I don’t want to bother anyone. The passivity goes beyond that, though. Like last night. I was knitting and that was ok. I also brought up with me the fleece the ends of which need flicking so I can card it. And I brought my wheel and some stuff to work on to try to make some bouclé yarn. But the idea of getting all that out seemed like too much effort. And before leaving town yesterday we went to the library where I got several book cds. It would have been easy enough to put them into the player here and listened, something I like to do, but it seemed like too much bother and I would have had to clear it with K who was kind of reading, and looking stuff up on the computer. But he wasn’t really reading because he had left his book at home, and was instead flipping through other books he brought but none of them appealed. So he was looking up random stuff on the computer and I don’t see why a book on cd would have been terribly disruptive. But I was too passive to get that set up. So instead I knit a bit, and every now and then would read a bit of Portrait of a Lady which is kind of dull right now. I did glance at the intro and almost immediately read something about Isabel (the protagonist) as fitting in with the world of Becky Sharpe, Emma Bovary, other adulterous women…. Aha! Perhaps it will get more interesting soon. It sure is dull with her married to that creep.
    Ramble ramble ramble. We did manage yesterday morning to get the rest of the basement stuff cleared out in prep for the workers coming Tuesday. Today I must get over to Justin’s to get the hay. I think I will wait until afternoon, it being Sunday and all. And it is going to take a bunch of trips – can we fit 5 bales in the car? That would be good – 4 trips. If we can only fit 4 then it means 5 trips. I’m hoping we can leave by mid afternoon. Tonight I MUST make 350 phone calls. As in calls re the 350.org group, not 350 calls! Though it might feel like that many. Especially since, being someone who hates to annoy people, I hate making potentially annoying phone calls asking for something.
    I also realize that, since I often lack initiative, it is best to put myself in situations where I just plain have to do things. Thus the advantage of work. And it if had not been for K pushing me, I probably wouldn’t have taken the job I now have, which in many ways is perfect for me. And when I first applied I was so intimidated and hated the interview and wanted nothing to do with any of it. So much for my judgment. Anyway, what I need to do is go through the process of getting that tax number and what not, become registered as a business, and then apply to sell at a bunch of fairs, like the Deerfield one. If I am scheduled to sell at them, it will perhaps goad me to put together more sellable items.
    Time to meditate. But, oh dear, what if K comes downstairs and I am meditating? It might really annoy him……..
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8:35
    I don’t want to talk about the fact that it is 9-11, so I won’t. Thinking of going to the farm for tonight. Well, the fact is, I have to go at some point to pick up hay. Makes sense to go this weekend and stay over since no one else will be there. On the other hand I feel, as usual, like I have gazillion things to do here. Like: bring the shelves from downstairs up to somewhere, take up the carpet in the laundry room, otherwise make sure things are ready for the basement redo, finish getting the insulation out of the knee walls. Do I need to get it out of the attic crawl space, too? Contact people about easy-up tents for 10/10, contact mhc env group, go over anything else I’m supposed to do for that, getin tough with the woman from Barn 5. Actually, work should be somewhat easier this week. Well, not really easier since I must teach lab wed and thurs, but I will not need to spend time with setting up the equipment. I hope to be able to leave early Monday, after lecture, and not go in at all Tues. oh, damn, but Monday we have the safety meeting, and tues there are student seminars. I guess I will stay on mon and go in at the end of the day on Tues. Then wed and thurs I teach, and fri we have lab conference. Damn there goes the week. Sure would like to have time to card this wool I’ve been getting ready. I put some angora into the dye left over from my solar dyeing, and perhaps this morning I will take that out and set up some more batts to heat and dye while we are gone. I will bring the wool with me, I am finding that I need to flick the tips of a lot of it to get it ready for carding, so I can do that. And bring the hat that I need to knit for the Wellesley woman. The cowl is very nearly done!
    I started To Kill a Mockingbird yesterday, so I will be all ready for our meeting in a couple of weeks. There was a big email flurry about our meeting and I finally suggested we go back to our usual Sunday afternoon meet at a café idea. It works way better for me. I really don’t like going to people’s houses for the potluck thing. For one thing, I often can’t eat a lot, and it is more formal, we have to work out who is coming and all that, it is less easy to come late/leave early if one must. I just prefer the informality of the café. Of course there is always the debate of where since we are rather spread out.
    Damn, I am feeling really crummy and depressed. Don’t know why, I just want to: go back to bed, sit and do nothing, disappear…… I suppose once I get going I will feel better. Add to the todo list that I must deal with all the farm food that K picked up yesterday. I am very grateful that he did pick it up, as I was at work until 5:30. I hope I’ll be able to do it other weeks and don’t have to stay so late usually.  Oh, and I must write a student reference. And deal with L’s Promissory note for her loans. Damn damn damn.
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More Sleep Issues - Yawn!

8:26 am
    I can’t stand this! It is already 8:30. I stayed in bed until 8. And that is after going to bed at 9:30. I also can’t stand that all I seem to write about is my sleep habits. How incredibly dull. I suppose it is because I write just after I get up so that is the most on my mind. Still, how dull. And WHY WHY WHY am I sleeping so much? It of course does not help that even though I went to bed around 9:30 by 10:30 I had not fallen asleep. I was trying counting breaths and it sort of works, at least it keeps me from thinking arousing thoughts, but it didn’t really work. I would doze off enough to lose count, then be awake again. Oh brother. I didn’t read just before bed, but I did read a bunch of the Taking Woodstock book which I am very much enjoying in the evening after supper. Then we watched a Living Earth video, and I did read a tiny bit more. Hmmmmmm. I don’t know if I’ll have time to meditate this morning. I still have to feed buns, and myself, and then at 9 leave for town because I am meeting a friend. Yay!! We’re supposed to talk fair stuff. And I am going to walk in to get at least a tad of exercise, which in general I think might help with the sleep thing.
    Yesterday afternoon was crummy. I was so happy at work to think of having the whole afternoon. I went in a bit early and did some work with the computer/video set up, and talked briefly with the prof to get signals straight, then we had 1st day lecture which was mainly logistics. I was able to leave pretty quickly after that because I had to be back for these guys coming to do the air sealing in the house. Only that turned out to be kind of sucky. They got all worked up because the holes I had cut were not sealed. Well how can they be sealed if they need to be open for them to get in. I guess usually someone comes in and cuts the holes then makes the doors to later seal them up, and these guys can put the doors up temporarily. It makes a huge difference when they do their blower thing which involves putting a blower in the front door and sucking air out of the house to find the air leaks. Plus the holes I had made were not big enough for these big hulking guys so I had to cut them bigger. Somehow all this took time, and they are only allowed 2 hours. So they did not finish everything that they felt could have been done. I have some idea of what else could be done, and I suppose what I will do is buy some of that spray foam stuff and do some of it myself. Anyway it was all very annoying and discouraging. I thought it was going to be so nice – they were just going to come in, apply their expertise, make a big difference, and I would not have to pay anything! I guess too good to be true in reality.
    What in the world cheerful can I think about? When it comes to deliberately thinking cheerful thoughts (and this often happens at night, too) I usually resort to fiber… So I rinsed out the solar rainbow dyed batts and they look quite lovely. And there was very little excess dye – mostly yellow. I left them to dry, perhaps I can take a photo. Fiber Twist is coming right up, and I got thinking while driving that one idea could be to actually sell batts there. Lots of people sell dyed roving of various kinds. I could sell these kind of dyed batts, plus batts that I card with layers of colors. All with angora in them, which would be different from what a lot of other people sell. It means I have my work cut out for me in terms of carding carding carding for a while. And this weekend we will have to go to the farm to pick up hay.
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Sleep Advice Needed

9 am
Yes it’s rather late. It’s what comes of lazing in bed until 7:30. And that after I thought I was going to bed early, but then I read in bed and didn’t put the book away until 10:30. Still, 7:30? But that’s because I didn’t actually get to sleep til long after 10:30. It takes me just forever to get to sleep and while I’m working at it, K comes in and that wakes me up more, so then I must start all over. I need some new technique. I think reading before bed is a mistake. It gets my brain all full of stuff and what I need to do is get my brain empty of stuff. Maybe a walk would be good. I wonder if just quietly knitting – no fair listening to a tape – would work.
    I already meditated and one advantage of that is – I can eat breakfast while I write. Disadvantage – yes, indeed I did think and think, but then I do that anyway. It seems easy, just sit there for 20 minutes, and it is supposed to be easy, the goal is for it to be easy, but it does take some effort, to keep going back to the mantra. And not get frustrated.
    Meeting of the 350 group last night. It consisted of 5 of us. Hardly a group to inspire complete confidence that we can pull this off. But we’ll do what we can. I again must type up notes and send them out. I also need to do some stuff like: contact L about still using the UU church even though A has pulled out, find tents, contact the college group, see if they’ll help, I think there are other things, I’ll have to look at the notes. It will be what it is. Like I said last night, if two people come and learn something, change in some way, it will be a success. There of course is also the concern that some tea-partiers will appear and start spats. I’m hoping we can have some mediators around to keep things cool.
    I actually sat with my notebook last night and went through a long todo list. I won’t repeat it here (too depressing). Today I must make fried rice, then get into work to go over the filming stuff. Before that I will go to the department meeting. There is a picnic today after convocation, but I think I will skip it so as not to waste time.
    I think being back at work will help with the depression which has been hovering over me for weeks. The “dog incident” at the farm – incident of a dog in the night? Isn’t that a novel? Anyway, the dog situation at the farm fri I think impacted me more than I intended it to. It just left me feeling crummy and kind of split in my loyalties. Tigger? Husband? Sister? Extended family? Me??????? Well, it was actually nice to just be home. I went for a walk with friends yesterday. That part was not so great, not sure why I said it just after saying the weekend was nice. I was in a terrible mood and felt terribly depressed. What was good? Well, I finished carding my batts, I set up some solar dyeing, I read a bunch, I relaxed. I cooked some excellent fried rice which I will repeat for the picnic, I had a nice visit with a friend at her house. So it was fine. I suppose being at the farm would have had its own good stuff, like some spinning and probably a jaunt up into the lovely woods. I may have to go this weekend since I did not get my hay, so I’ll go up to the woods then.
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More Solar Dyeing

It is 8:30 pm and I am just feeling like posting some photos. I set up another version of solar dyeing. This time I dyed lovely carded batts of wool and angora. I took each batt, saturated it with a mix of water, vinegar and soap, laid it in my black tub, sprinkled a bit of dye on it, and gently worked the dye in. Then I covered that batt with saran wrap, and put in another batt. After about 5 batts I put the glass cover on and left it. We'll see how it is tomorrow, if there is enough sun. Yesterday I did one batt alone, and will add a photo of the result of that. It still needs to be rinsed out. Right now it looks a bit like road kill....

here's the "done" one

this is the layers of batts ready to sit in the sun

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Late!! But not forgotten

Sorry, i did not post this morning, I was in kind of a bad mood. But here are some photos of at least some of what I did today. We are having our house re-insulated (by a program in Berkshire Gas - Mass Save) for which I have to first remove the insulation (such as it is) in the "knee walls" of the upstairs rooms. Last week I cut the holes,

today I suited up

I look like I'm ready to perform surgery!

climbed in

waved farewell

and set to work. I have finished one room, one more (the smaller one thank goodness) to go.

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Dog Trouble

9:45
Written from home. I also realize, having started this sentence differently when I was thinking in terms of writing for the blog, that I actually do write very differently for Morning Pages. And I think I will continue to write as MP’s and the blog stuff will just be what it is.
So as I said, written from home. Because of issues with Tigger. I’m not entirely sure I want to write all the gruesome details, but I guess I’ll start and if I get sick of it I will stop (hurray for morning pages, unlike writing, say, a recommendation when I might very much want to give it up, but can’t). So dh and friend were at the farm, with Tigger. Nephew came up Thurs with his dog Molly and left her there while he went to his concert, and that apparently was ok, a few growls here and there, but ok. Then the rest of the gang arrived Friday night and things were still ok. Tigger and Boudah had their muzzles on. I think there were a few more growls and snarls, but with a muzzle on how much damage can a dog do? Then on Sat morning dh left to take friend to the airport. I had said to make sure b-i-l was ok with keeping an eye on Tigger (or if not, he should take him in the car) and that apparently was fine. So off they went, and when he got here a bit after noon, I was still finishing all my stuff and it took a while before I was ready to leave. And we had to figure out dd’s plans, since she had been invited to a friend’s cabin inVT, but they were at a funeral and it was unclear if they were leaving from there, or coming home and thus able to pick her up….very confusing. Ok, fine, eventually everything got settled and dh and I finally left around 2:30. We had to stop at the bank, the PO, the farm for corn and the Frostie for ice cream (I had an entire cone!). We finally arrived around 4:30 and the house was packed and Tigger was relegated to Mom’s sitting room. And several people said oh there was a big incident and b-i-l would tell us all about it. And he did. It involved Tigger snarling at Dove (I think she had a bone), b-i-l yelling at Tigger, Tigger snarling at b-i-l and kind of lunging at him, bil bringing Tigger into the living room, where a bit later when bil walked by Tigger snarled at him again. Bil then yelled at him again and Tigger lunged (for some reason) at another nephew who was lying on the couch. So everyone was justifiably horrified, and Tigger was relegated to the sitting room. What could I do? I had dh take him out to the car and told him that I would take Tigger home after the birthday supper. Of course dh decided he would also come home, so we decided to do that, just bail after supper. It is bad enough for me when the house is so full, way worse for hd and apparently not possible for Tigger. There were 4 other dogs there, all of whom know each other and have worked out their various hierarchies. I was not that terribly upset at the idea of leaving after supper (not feeling terribly sociable after all) but there was another slight problem, which was that supper, scheduled for 7, didn’t end up being actually ready until 8:30. Comes of b-i-l #2 being in charge I suppose. Everyone put on a pretty good face about it, but folks were getting a bit testy and dh didn’t even try. He just disappeared. When the food was finally ready I went to find him and could find neither him nor the car. I decided to totally not worry about it, to just eat supper and figure he would reappear, which he did. I think he went out to get something to eat. The dinner was: hot chicken wings (thank goodness they did save out a bit for me), spicy sweet potato fries and they were making some unspiced ones, but they got mixed in, corn on the cob, broccoli salad (raw broccoli) and another salad with tomatoes and a vinaigrette dressing. And chocolate cake for dessert. All, of course, very carefully planned to be gluten-free. I could eat the chicken (the special plain boring chicken, the corn, and this tasty dressing of mayo, sour cream and blue cheese. I might have stayed and had a tiny bit of cake, but what with all the cleaning up and no one being in much of a rush to eat cake, it was already 9:30 and I finally told ds#2 (the bday girl) that we had to go. With everyone there, things become very much a sister #1’s family world – all the dogs, the whole gluten free thing, all the talk seems to be about weddings. I didn’t think dn#2 would be quite so bad, but that’s all she does is look up wedding stuff now. Oh brother, dd#1 would have died.
So the result – I get to be home!!!! Yay!! I called our neighbor and told her she does not have to feed buns (save $15 right there), I already started another batt, I think later I will call my friend and maybe we can take the dogs for a walk; after yesterday Tigger could probably use something nice. The thing I really “should” probably I should say “must” do is start removing the insulation from the eves. That is going to be a nasty job and of course I should try to do as much of it as possible early in the day before it gets hot. Today I guess I’ll cut the 4th door (and I may have to enlarge the others which sucks because then I will need to buy new sheet rock to replace them instead of just using what I cut out) and get what I need for equipment. I need a good face mask and it would be great if I could get hold of a full body suit – a disposable one. Like what I used in Texas when I insulated a similar area while working for Lynn.
One other thing – I am out of oat bran so maybe I will have toast for breakfast, but I’m not so sure it will work out well (so to speak). I certainly did not feel great this morning after last night’s late supper.

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9:22 am
    Late already but too bad. I have a lot of bunny work to do today. I need to move about some cages. I will probably use one for the 2 young white babies, then move Bavarian Cream and her babies to the long cage. I may eventually need the really big cage again temporarily. Then I’ll have to get ready – pack and all – for a trip to our family house. I’m not feeling very sociable and in a way don’t really want to go, but it being my sister’s 60th I must. And, damn, I should have thought of some sort of gift. After all I gave my other sister a skein of angora, though I don’t think she has actually used it. Still, it was a present and I have nothing for ds#2. I suppose, since it is not actually her birthday yet, I could send something next week…. But what????? I absolutely HATE the whole process of gift giving. It is a fear thing – that I won’t find the right thing. And probably part of it is that I actually don’t much like getting gifts since so often they are things I don’t want and then what do I do with them? I don’t like having random extraneous stuff around. So I don’t  want to do the same thing to someone else. It seems so wasteful to give them some random thing, that will either end up cluttering up their space, or else that they will need to get rid of somehow. And of course, one feels guilty throwing away what was a gift. That was the glory of our old “crap swaps” that we used to do with the investment club. We could get rid of stuff we did not want and get something we actually might be able to use. The best was when I got chocolate and got rid of the singing turkey! Now I just bring stuff to the Take it or Leave it, and that works.
    But back to a gift for the sis…. Earings? Something I have made… but what? I do have that angora purse, it is kind of funky, but maybe she would like it, and if she didn’t well she could give it away…… I doubt that I will ever sell it. I certainly cannot give her anything warm to wear, she would hardly find that useful in Virginia. I don’t really want to think about it. See, this is one of the problems with gifts, I obsess about them.
    I went to work again yesterday and it went well except for right around lunch time. I got the worst case of butt burn I think I have ever had. Anyone reading my blog will not have any idea what I am talking about… I suppose I could add an explanation. To keep it short: 2 years ago I had my colon removed (UC and precancerous cells). The surgeon formed what is called a “J-pouch” which allows the small intestine to be reattached to the anus, so I do not have to have an ostomy bag. This is good, but one consequence for me is occasional “Butt Burn” which is exactly what it sounds like…  Anyway it really sucked and it really hurt. Usually it does not last that long. I didn’t even want to eat, but I made myself eat just the meat part of some stew with carrots I had brought. I am wondering if the carrots from the night before had been the problem, I’ve had trouble with them before. And I had more psyllium, and after a while I did feel a bit better and then I went upstairs to finish setting up the metabolism monitors and I think it was enough of a distraction and I did feel better.
    Last night I went to a friend’s for pizza with several other old friends I was not feeling very sociable then either, and it was kind of wearing. What a total putz I am. Before that I did get some more carding done and that was much more satisfying.  I’m about half-way through what will be over a pound of these nice batts.
    Ok – meditate and then get a move on….
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Farewell Mousita

I just want to post these photos of mousie as she was being released. Good luck Mousie:

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Work Begins

8:10 am
All alone. Rather nice actually. Dh and friend are at the farm – dh will drive him back to the airport on Sat so we don’t have to deal with finding space for him in a full house. Then dh will come back through here and we will all 3 go up to the farm together. Dd is off at school. Woo hoo senior year. Now my big thing to think about is how to get her to Macaulister and Carelton (neither of which have I probably spelled correctly). I’m going to obsess about it for a while. It is great that she has taken the initiative to say she wants to visit them; I just wish she had done so over the summer which would have been a lot easier. Well, maybe not a lot. In any case they are far away and to get their either takes a really long time (drive), is expensive (fly) or both (train). And if she flies out by herself then things have to be all carefully arranged to get her to and from the campuses. Is there anywhere else she will decide she wants to visit?
I went into work yesterday – oh I guess I wrote that. It was good. I’ll go in today for a while to finish setting up the metabolism equipment, and to try out the video stuff for the jumping lab we will do later in the semester. Last year I was getting into arriving much earlier than I used to so I could do all the prep stuff. So I would take the 8:30 bus. Now lecture is 11-12:15. That will take getting used to. And I could potentially get into a situation where I show up quite late…. I’ll just have to see what is required for setting up each week. It means there is a lot less of that potential “dead” time between 11-1:15. It also means less time to feel prepared. And a long lecture. I hope I don’t get drowsy… and it is late so I will probably get really hungry. I will need to eat something before lecture. It is nice to have just 2 lectures and “4th hour” on Fri, instead of 4 basic lecture days.
I managed to do more carding last night. Let’s see, I got home around 4:30, then biked over to my friend’s to swim. Another friend came with her daughters and - miracle of miracles – dd and her friend appeared! We swam and sat around and left about 7. I got back, fed the buns, ate some delicious rabbit stew, and carded a few batts while listening to the strange management tape I got from the library. I keep listening trying to think of ways that it might apply to teaching. Not sure if that works. Oh well.
What else to possibly say? Not much. I have about an hour before I must leave. Bunnies are fed, exercises done, mp’s nearly done, I must shower and dress, meditate and pull together some lunch and eat breakfast, but beyond all that I think I can get in a bit more carding. Don’t know when I’ll be able to dye the stuff, but at least it will be ready. It’s been so very hot these past few days that it would have been ideal for solar dyeing, but I just don’t have stuff to dye yet. I have a lot of dyed uncarded fiber, so I don’t feel the need to dye more just to use the warm sun.

Word from the Work World

9-2-10
Here’s a new and interesting idea: write “morning pages” at work. I have just met with the prof and we set up one set of the spirometer and 02 meter equipment. Now I have taken a break to eat something (I only brought cheese and crackers). In a minute I will go back up and try to set up at least one more, maybe all 3 more. Tomorrow we will meet to try out the video equipment that we will use later in the semester. Of course part of me wanted to just stay home today….but reality: it is very nice to be here, I am thrilled to be working with this prof, and I think I need this kind of stimulation. Unlike the “stimulation” of last night when the dh and I drove to the meeting about the windmills and I heard 3 hours of Woodstock lore from the current Woodstock expert. Well – it was nice of him to agree to go to the meeting & some of the lore was in fact interesting. I just have no idea how he can hold all those details including dates and all in his head (to repeat them all to me!).

I got started carding a nice batch of fiber that I hope to rainbow dye. I am blending some white Romney, dark shortish stuff and tangled brushed white angora. My only real concern is that the Romney is so long, the dark is short, and the angora has lots of little short tangles. I will have to spin it fairly tight so all those bits don’t pill out. I will probably try to spin it and ply with plucked angora. I have 16 ounces of it so it will take a while. I wonder what I should bring to the farm with me. The cowl, and maybe even finish it and give it to my niece. The hat I must make for the woman from Wellesley. I guess some small skeins and small project ideas and work on them. And maybe even the wheel and spin some angora. I need to contact my neighbor this afternoon to see if she would be willing to do some bunny care again.

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Discouragement, happiness and esthetics

10:30 am
    I have been feeling discouraged with my blog when I go on it and have no comments. I must remind myself that the point is morning pages, the blog entries are an additional “benefit.” Maybe someday they will become something else, for now, they are just there as kind of a place holder and if anyone reads them or is interested, well cool. Of course if anyone DOES read them, wouldn’t it be great if they could comment….hint hint hint…..but I will not base my happiness or feelings of self-worth on that.
    Went to a concert called Transformations last night and it was quite fun. Went a little too long for my complete happiness, though the last act was Spinal Tap and thus the funniest. It was a very pleasant scene, outside, really nice temperature since by the time we arrived the sun was getting behind the trees, lots of interesting families and kids. There was one very sketchy looking guy wearing what could only be described as a leather collar and leash. It was somewhat disturbing, but I decided that, this being after all, Northampton, I would go with it, live and let live, reserve judgment, whatever floats your boat, all that. Then Spinal Tap got on and it turned out that he was the crazy drummer and the leash was part of his costume! It was a bit of a relief, but I must remind myself that if someone wants to really walk around with a collar and leash (as my friend said before we understood the context – he was probably not the dominant one…) then they certainly should be able to.
    My friend came over yesterday and that was very nice. We arranged to meet next week on fair business. And meanwhile I MUST call the Barn 5 woman to start discussing that. I showed her my wrist warmers of the brown/purple stuff, the stuff that she has seen as it went through many of its manifestations and peregrinations from nasty pale purpley-pinkish stuff to all sorts of attempts to get something pleasing. And she liked it! Mikey liked it! In fact she said she really really liked it. That was very affirming. Somehow I have a strange relationship with esthetics. I like many things, but they do not necessarily have to be things that others would consider beautiful. And I have trouble with color. I love looking at things and being aware of the shape, texture, form, placement in space. A color and whether it goes well with another color I have more trouble with. Kind of comes back to the difficulty I used to have with the carpets downstairs and never remembering if the green one was in the west room, or if that was the red one.  Not that I am color blind, I can tell colors apart, and I certainly have opinions about colors, those I like and those I do not, but even a color I don’t “like’ I can appreciate perhaps in a certain setting. It is complex.
    I did more plucking yesterday and only got through with Blizzard. He is a hard one to do because his coat is so dense and it had gotten very tangled so I did a lot of detangling and not just plucking. It also was really too hot to pluck, as today will be, also. I did finish the purple/brown and will now wind it off, wash it and it is done! I started flicking the ends of some nice white Romney that I will blend with angora and make many batts that can be dyed. I will try the solar technique. The other thing I have to do today is be around to go over to the rental house to get people keys and to open the garage so a former renter can get his stuff out. I have a feeling that will make the day very disjointed.
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