Abandonment Looms

7 am

                Gotta get to the dentist today, at 9 am. I’ve been thinking through how to do it and get in my run (which I skipped yesterday). The dentist is close, I could run there, but then I would be all sweaty. I think instead I will bike there, leave here around 8:45, then from there go to pick up my ‘scrip at the CVS, then bike over to the bike shop to see about getting a pair of those padded biking shorts that might help the sore butt syndrome, then continue on from there for a ride along the bike trail to the river and back. That would make a decent enough ride. And it would mean I’m not incredibly rushed before hand, which I would be if I tried to do my run before the dentist (and after bunnies et al.).

                I walked into town and met a friend yesterday. We ended up at the pub so she could eat lunch (at 4 pm!) and after talking about other stuff, it came to the crux which is that her girls (2 of them) are gone for a month and mine will be gone gone gone for in a way forever. So of course I get all teared-up. If I think about it I just want to cry and cry. After the pub we walked together to an appointment she had and who did we run into but G taking a break from her music stuff. She asked if I wanted to get GoBerry and OF COURSE!! It was nice, we had our goberry and talked and then she went on to her music talk and I went home. I even managed to catch the bus. Then later after supper and all, when she got home, G suggested we go grocery shopping which we did and it was really fun and pleasant. Who am I going to have fun with anymore??????? Ok, reality check, for the couple of years before this, she was not exactly tons of fun, but now she is again, like old times. I am going to miss them so so so so much. Ok. But it will be ok. I have my own stuff that I do. I will hear from them. It will be ok. And soon very soon work will start back up, and then things get so busy I can barely stop to think.

                This had not started out intending to be such a diatribe. I finished the book Jenny. It doesn’t end so well, she kills herself. Part of me wants to warn my bookclub friend, she hates those kind of things, but I think I will just let her read it. I may actually go through it again since it is pretty short. Or see if I can find anything else by the same author. Or just be done with it and go back to Mr. Sammler’s Planet which I would like to finish.

                It helped, while chatting with G last night, to start making plans for when she will be back in October. I was worried that she would be bored silly here for a full week, but she says she’s not worried about it, and boy it sure would be nice. So I think we’ll just fly her home, and try to do TG then, I think it will work with at least some of the family. Meanwhile it is BIG WEDDING  weekend coming right up. I barely avoided the hassle of having to go pick up Mom on Saturday. I would have done it reasonably happily (maybe that’s the wrong word – resignedly is better) except that I was really hoping to spend Saturday as much as possible with the girls. Maybe going shoe shopping with L. I know she will be feeling like she has a lot to do, and I won’t be part of all of it, but it would be nice to be with them if at all possible.

                Ok, time to feed buns, etc. gotta be ready to go around 8:45.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Feeling kind of yuck, oh well

7:30 am

                I woke up this morning feeling like garbage. Actually terrified, or maybe that is too strong, just really scared. Why I do not know. In fact I still feel that way. It is kind of a churning in my belly, so maybe it has nothing to do with scared, and is just my belly and my brain is interpreting it that way. I decided to meditate, which I have not been doing at all. Didn’t exactly help much. And I think I will not run this morning. I am hoping to meet a friend in town later, so I will walk there, and I must get to the CVS to pick up my welbutrin prescription, so I think I will walk home the long way like that.

                Went to the 350 meeting last night. Maybe that is part of why I feel crappy. There were a lot of people there, so that is good I suppose. I did not have to run it which is great. I suppose the meeting went well, with some decent ideas tossed around. I did realize that the event is scheduled for Sept 24 – duh!! That is the Apple Harvest Festival, so I will be busy with a booth all day. So I can help with planning and all that, but I won’t be there for the day itself. Or only for a tiny part if I get someone to help with the booth. Won’t be G, that is for sure, as she will be in NC. Which may be part of the feeling sick thing because as I think about it now, I feel sick to my stomach. Oh crap. She worked all day yesterday and the day before at the farm, for the next three days she is helping out at some conductor’s class. I assume she will play clarinet in some sort of groups that people get to practice conducting. Sounds intriguing and I hope it will be fun for her. I think it is going to be long days. Friday they are all going to Tanglewood, but she is not going with them. They are finishing on Saturday, but she is not doing that, either. L will be home Friday night (I bet that it will be late). Then Saturday she has said she intends to look for shoes. I wonder if she would possibly let me come along. Not to help with the shoe part, just to be with her. And I wonder if G will go with her. Maybe they will just want to go together. Probably. But boy I sure wish I could be with them. It is such an odd twist. Remember when it was so hard to get out for an evening? G would get so upset if I left. And leaving L with a babysitter was terrible. They just wanted to be with me. And now?? Ha. Tables are turned, eh? I miss them so much and I am so sad. I know, once it all happens and they are both just gone, I will be ok. I will adjust and I’ll be so busy with work and it will be ok. Most of the time. Not all the time. I will still miss them terribly. And if I let myself think about it I will still get really sad. It’s just that I’m pretty good at keeping myself busy and not letting myself think about it too much. We, as a species, are pretty good at compartmentalizing and keeping things at bay. Which I suppose is a problem when we do boneheaded things like ignore environmental degradation, or looming disasters that could be averted if we put energy into working on them. Of course, then there are things like this looming debt ceiling crisis and it is hard to see how an individual like me can do much. I did write a note to Scott Brown our “illustrious” new senator, and I even did it before Obama asked us all to do it. But I doubt very much that it will make any difference at all to Scott Brown. And what kind of difference will anything we do around the 350 day have? The people that already know and care will just be vaguely reinforced, I very much doubt that we will change the minds of anyone who does not agree. And most people will not be aware in the least that it even happened.

                I think I will hang out laundry, feed the buns, and then finish spinning my angora. In spite of having a crappy day yesterday (I felt really sick all afternoon after eating the carrot casserole for lunch), I managed to nearly finish the final single bobbin. Then I will ply and spool them off and be ready to wash. Next will be the pale green and meanwhile I should get out the blue stuff and decide what to combine to make some blue yarn for my niece’s mittens.

                Right now I still feel sick to my stomach. I have yet to have my psillium. I think I’ll start some oat bran cooking. I had granola yesterday – that might be a bit too coarse, and besides I finished it.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Blahs

7:15 am

                Sinking sinking sinking. That’s how I feel. Blah. I woke up feeling this way and it has lingered through the fascinating processes of using the bathroom, taking my psillium and pills and reading my email. Email is rarely inspiring and mostly puts me (or keeps me) in a bad mood because it usually involves things that I need to deal with and don’t want to.

                I swear the highlight of my day yesterday was talking to the adorable exterminator guy who came to spray for carpenter ants. He looked like he was about 16. Other than that, I ran (for a solid hour – the long loop), I dealt with bunnies (just the basics – feeding and what not), I prepared for the exterminator – moving stuff, and I spun up more of the brushed angora. I’m using the big wheel and after several hours of using it, my thumb is back to really hurting. It didn’t hurt while I was actually spinning, but it sure hurt last night. Not so bad now. I think once I finish the current project I will go back to the upright wheel. I think I’ll finally work on the angora boucle I’ve been wanting to try for ages. Oh and another problem: I had to keep switching yesterday from inside to out because of the spraying, and somehow in all the switching I left the old radio/cd player outside and it started to rain. So now it is having issues. Last night it was making terrible scratchy noises when I tried to use the radio, and the cd player would not work at all. I brought it into the house to try to dry it a bit, let’s hope it worked. I don’t have any other cd player that I can bring outside. Well, I suppose I could use L’s computer, she offered me the use of it while she is at camp this week. I just sure as hell better be more careful with that.

                I put most of the stuff back from yesterday’s pulling of everything away from the walls. But I still have some to do and in doing it I naturally realized that (no surprise) there is a lot of weeding-out that could be done. I had to move some books and in putting them back I sorted and made a pile of those I do not need. Of course during the school year I always think that summer will be the time to sort and get rid of lots of stuff. Then summer comes and it doesn’t happen. Maybe should just try tackling some small area, then another and another and work at it that way.

                Thinking and writing all this is not helping my mood at all. Tonight is a meeting about the next 350 event. I kind of dread it of course. Most of the attendees will probably be very “churchy” folks and I do not find them very inspiring in terms of thinking of things to do. They are very dedicated and work hard, but the things they think of tend to be kind of lame. I also do not want to get myself so involved that I get really burned out as I have the last 2 years.

                I’ve been feeling very friendless. I heard back from a friend and she says she’d very much like to get together once she gets back from CA (they are delivering her daughter to college there right now). And another friend seems interested in getting together. I should email her about “doing lunch” maybe later this week. And of course, another friend will get back tomorrow sans 2 children so I imagine she will be feeling somewhat at a loss. Maybe she’ll be open to tea in town somewhere. Today is Tuesday. Tonight is the meeting, Thursday or Friday I have a dentist appointment, other than that my week is pretty open. Which is great. Open is great. It’s just that I’m feeling so down and lonely. Oh brother.

                I did manage to order stuff from the “registry” for my niece. Mostly just bits of their plate set to fill it all in to a full set of 12. It all seems incredibly excessive to me, but whatever. And I have something reasonable to wear (from L and my trip to TJ Maxx). L says she still needs shoes and plans to go find some on Saturday before the wedding… We need to remember to bring the mead wine that we bought at the winery in NY for them.

                Well, it is now 7:45. I guess I had better feed the buns and then do my big run. I think I had better bring a back up PlayAway since the one I am listening to is nearly done. It is a pretty good story, but kind of depressing and very very sad in parts. I ought to be more careful to find stories that are more upbeat, but how can one know?

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Story Slam and Running

7 am

                Funny. Yesterday I was thinking how much I was looking forward to having an entire day to myself, but K and L just left (K to drive L to South Deerfield to pick up the van for camp and then to go off to an entire week’s base camp, and K to spend the day at some sort of first responder training south of here) and now I feel terrible. Just like so many years ago (30?) at the farm when everyone would leave after being there for a weekend and once again I would be alone. Which I liked for the most part, and still do, it is just the transition that is hard. And the part where L will be gone all week and it is a precursor to the awful fact that she will be leaving in 2 weeks for the entire fall. And who knows if she will ever be here for an extended period again. If I think about it I will cry. I also woke up this morning for some reason feeling scared. It may be because I am so aware that July is nearly over, August will pass in a flash (especially since we will be travelling to NC and back for a week of it) and then the crunch time will start back up. Well, the good news is that I actually like my job, and working with G in the fall will have lots of fun parts.

                As for today: I need to get out there and run early. I skipped it yesterday because the girls and I drove up to the farm to look at Aunt Jesse’s house which is scheduled to be demolished in a week. I want to run before it gets hot, and besides that, I must get things all ready for the exterminator who will be coming at 11 to deal with the carpenter ants that seem to have a nest on the east side of the house. We already pulled the big furniture away from the walls, I must move stuff from under the sinks, and move some of the smaller stuff, and move stuff in the sun room. So that will take a while. I’ve been doing really well with the running, actually going for closer to an hour instead of ½. Saturday I even did the whole long loop which is pretty far. I’ll try that again. I certainly break no speed records, I just plod along, but I keep myself going and as far as I can tell my heart is beating away at a decent clip.

                Fibrously I’ve been working on the lumpy tan angora which is spinning up very nicely. I am spinning it very fine which means it is taking a long time. I wonder if I should price skeins differently to reflect the yardage, which is a better indication of the time for spinning than the weight. I messed up in my skein marking, so I have one that is 2 ounces, while the others will be one ounce each. I may take that 2 ounce one and make something like a hat. I finished my sample wrist warmers, now I am knitting up one of the little stuffed bunnies. I finished the knitting part last night, now I need to sew it up.

                Speaking of last night… a friend and I went to the KO festival Story Slam. It was great! Our only regret is that our other friend could not be there to enjoy it. I hope they do it again next year. This year’s theme was “secrets” and about 15 people told stories. Most were fantastic. Then they opened it up to people who had previously not planned to speak and 4 more told impromptu stories and those were also amazing. I’m getting to be a real “regular” at the festival and all the interns recognize me. It is kind of fun. And I love those $8 early tickets. It means I feel fine about going to as many of the performances as I can. I’ll try to get to next week’s on Friday, since Saturday is booked (wedding) and Sunday might be hectic. Speaking of the wedding, I must find time today to finally order things from my niece’s register for wedding presents. I assume I’ll go with some of her table setting/plates stuff. Boring, but I guess it will all be useful.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Embarrassed Bunny

It is the middle of the day and so I am not actually going to write much, but I wanted to post these photos. This is one of the young rabbits that I hope to keep. I gave him a quick clip because of the major heat we've had. He looks a little unsure of what happened to him...

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Running and Climate Change

8:45 am

                Ran first this morning. And I did a big run – I’m trying out the option of doing a whole hour instead of half. Mainly because two people have both said that if I want the endorphin thing to kick in I have to go longer and harder. Well I can go longer, not sure I do so well on the harder. Still it is ok. I’m listening to a good story called Astrid and Veronica (or it is the other way around, not sure). Trouble is that it is about two Swedish women, and I hope I don’t get hopelessly confused with the book I am reading, Jenny which is about a Danish (?) woman in Rome.

                Now I am feeling guilty. It is one of G’s rare days off, and she has just cleaned the kitchen, and is now cleaning her room. Oh well. I do plenty, though cleaning is not at all one of my fortes. Later today I will probably go help a fellow fair committee member write checks for all the fair people waiting to get their award money. And I have a bunch of phone calls to make which I always kind of dread.

                Yesterday I actually managed to write my sister a letter. It was a bit of a fiasco because I first wrote it on the computer, and then the computer ate it. Something to do with my trying to use a letter template (didn’t work) and then trying to save it. It disappeared. So I ended up writing another by hand. And it came out pretty well. I “need to” get back to writing. This morning I even started composing an essay/letter/editorial, call it what you will, about global warming/climate change. Because the fact is that I am really terrified about it and the impact it will have on my children. There was (yet another) report about, this time, pine trees in Yellowstone that are all dying from a disease that is spreading because of the warming conditions. I saw a woman who has been involved in some of the 350 stuff in town. She is planning to join the action being planned in DC for the end of the summer, and she asked if I was going to attend. It is a thought. I need to find out more about it. There is some sort of worldwide action called for once again for October and there will be a meeting next week about it. Trouble is that the last two were an awful lot of work and I can’t see that they made any sort of difference. I need to be careful not to bite off too much this year. But I also want something to happen that is at least noticeable.

                I am eating some of the bread I made yesterday. It did not turn out very well. I think that maybe using the whey was not a good idea. Or maybe the problem stemmed from the fact that I forgot to add yeast at first and then added it later and tried to rescue it all. Because the loaf that I made by hand (not using the breadmaker) with the whey seemed like it was turning out ok. Things just kind of fell apart when I combined the two batches. They didn’t rise so well. Maybe I should think of another use for the whey. Maybe I could use it for making some rice or some Quinoa. Neither of which I will do today, it will be too hot. We had to turn on the AC last night because our renter was too hot up in his room. I can’t exactly tell him “no, suck it up” the way I can tell the girls and try to tell K. One big advantage to K of having a renter – it means I allow the AC to be turned on. I turned it off this morning, and our renter will be at school all day, but I suppose it will need to go back on tonight. I will need to meet K in town this afternoon to drop off the car, and I think we will eat out somewhere there. It will be cooler. I need to think a bit about where will be cool, serve beer (a requisite for him) and not too expensive (my preference). I think he wants to go to the Brewery, so I guess we can do that. And just get sandwiches or salads. That shouldn’t be too much.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries