6:30 am
Well
I have to say that I am completely miserable today. First off, I think I am coming
down with a cold which royally sucks. And something is off with my right foot
so that it hurts to walk which also sucks. And I could hardly sleep last night.
So now I am sitting in the living room which is dark attempting to type. I can’t
really see the screen so I have no idea if it is turning out all wonky, but it
probably is. Well too bad. It has been a pretty crummy week. I’ve been working
way too hard and not having enough down time. Yesterday was odd, and not in a
particularly good way. I drove into work and arrived just at 9 for 4th
hour. I was intending to go to that spinning thing at Shelburne Falls, so before
I left I started to get stuff into the car, then realized that all the tables,
etc are at the other house. And I did not have a key, nor really time to get
over there, so I decided I’d go to work, then stop at the house on the way from
work. I arrived and once 4th hour started I asked the prof if I could
go work on the manual instead (and told her briefly about all the trouble I had
with working so hard then losing it all to the frozen computer). She was very
understanding and agreed. So I went back to good old room 13. And this is after
staying there until 7:30 Thursday night. I worked really hard and managed to
get a good bit done. Thought I would go over to knitting , but I did not have
my knitting with me, and I had not brought the class flyers which was my
intention in going there, to give them some flyers to try to spread word about
the class. – little detour, I just checked once again and nope, no one has
signed up – anyway, I had left those in the car, so there didn’t seem any good
point on going to knitting. So I just
left to go straight to get my stuff and go to the event. Only I needed to eat
lunch, so I stopped at Atkins which was crowded and there was a line and I didn’t
see that for sandwiches you needed to take a ticket, so I was way behind others
who had come up after me, and it all sucked so I left. I went instead to Flayvors
and got a sandwich there, which took forever. By the time I was back in the
car, it was 1:15. This thing was scheduled to start at 2 and it takes> ½ hour
to get there, so I decided I would just drive straight there and forget my stuff.
I had knit things and skeins in the car, as well as my spinning stuff, so I figured
I would just do the spinning part, and have my bins there in case anyone was
interested, and I would have the fliers. So I zoomed off. Somewhere around Sunderland
I put G’s cd in – Mamas and Papas – and from there through nearly to Shelburne
Falls I was blasting the music and singing along very loudly and very badly. It
was good, cathartic, healthy. Probably the best part of my day. I arrived in
Shelburne and then had to figure out where the event was. Well, it turns out that when I looked at
the map on line, I was looking at it upside down. What I thought was west of
the river was really east, so I did some driving around, and finally stopped to
ask, and then figured it out. By then I was feeling annoyed, hassled,
discouraged. I got to the right spot, and here is the odd thing. First thing I saw
was a woman who comes to all these
things, has several kids, they must have sheep, she sells stuff she makes
including lots of roving. For some reason I REALLY did not want to see her. Next
thing I saw was a very old friend, setting up a booth, presumably for either
massage or some sort of health thing. There were several booths set up, and I suddenly
realized I did NOT want to be there. Several things I believe – I did not have
my whole set up, but just a tossed together bunch of stuff, so at best I would
have looked kind of random; I hate the whole competitive aspect of all these
damn fairs, and I did not want to deal with that just then with other fiber
people; and for some reason I did NOT want to encounter my old friend. I had
thought when planning to come, that I might see her and that seemed like a good
thing. But then, arriving and seeing her setting up her booth, just turned it
somehow. So I left. Yes, it was a waste, but I decided I just did not want to
be there. I knew I would not sell anything, and who the hell from Shelburne
Falls is going to want to drive to Amherst for 4 weeks to take a spinning
class? I decided I would rather go home and spend the afternoon by myself. Which
I did. And first I stopped at the bank to deposit checks which was much needed.
So much
for the afternoon. I had a reasonably pleasant time spinning on the deck for
about an hour, though I really wanted to take a rest but felt I couldn’t
because I didn’t know if the repairman would appear to work on the washer. I had
thought K would be home, but he was not, so I felt like I needed to stay awake.
It was ok until K did come home and then there was a blow up about the dog. I had
heard the car (Tigger kept hearing things and barking and every time I thought
it was the repairman), so when it turned out to be K, and by then it was nearly
5 I decided I would feed T (otherwise Kent would ask pointedly if Tigger had
been fed and seem annoyed if he had not). So I left him in the pantry way and
started to get out his food. But of course, with K arriving, Tigger was
barking, meaning he was peeing all over the floor. So K was annoyed anyway when
he came in and shouted about where was his diaper (I had taken it off when I was
on the deck bc he was out there peeing into it and he needs some time with it
off to air out). Anyway, that ended out being a shouting match and sucked. And I
had thought it was a good thing that K was back bc now I could rest, but he had
to leave again to deliver his big Lebowski posters. So that also was
unpleasant. Well, he came back pretty quickly, and I did go to meditate in the sun
room. Which he knew I was going to do, the idea being that he would be there
for the repairman. Only, when the man did arrive, K had to come out and tell
me, thus interrupting my meditation/rest. Like why the hell did he have to tell
me, does he not know where the washer is? Anyway, that all happened, I finished,
then started cooking some broccoli and cabbage for supper, the repairman came
up and then stayed to chat and chat about returning things to stores…. We finally
ate, and I had suggested that we go see the Sleepwalk With Me movie at the
cinema. Why do I do that, continually suggest going to movies when I don’t even
really like it that much? And I often have trouble sleeping after movies. Well,
it seemed like a good idea, a bit of an escape. But it wasn’t a good idea. Well,
at first I did enjoy the movie. I got pretty wrapped up in it. But then, this woman
in front of me, asked me to stop kicking the back of her chair. Was I doing that?
Was I that restless? I had not noticed, I had not meant to do anything. It fed
into all that old stuff about me being annoying – and especially being most
annoying when I am enjoying myself and so forget myself somehow. It sucked and
it basically ruined the entire rest of the movie and evening for me. I felt like
I had to sit completely still and not move at all. And then is when I realized
that K was obviously not enjoying the movie at all. So that was that. It all
sucked. When we got home I fed buns and stretched tanned skins a little more,
and eventually went to bed but basically could not sleep and I feel like I am
getting a cold. Which also sucks because there is a lot that should get done
today. Besides grading which I have not even started, there is yard stuff like
mowing the lawn and digging out manure and dealing with the garden beds. I must
renew my driving license, and there is always financial stuff that needs doing
and gets put off. And all the cleaning and laundry that I have not done all
week. I feel awful.
And especially
the whole thing with Shelburne Falls brings up feelings I’ve been having recently.
Questions about why I do all this? I kill myself at these fairs and it seems like
the big goal is to make money. Is that really the main goal of my life? Is it
that important to me that I make money from spinning etc? and is having these
rabbits and all that I do with them so very very important? I like the self-sufficiency
aspect, but so much work goes into everything. I feel spread too thin. Nothing gets
done well. It all feels so pointless.
Visit my new Etsy Shop!!http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries
No comments:
Post a Comment