Post Fair

8:30 am

                Aftermath of the fair day. Meaning I need to unpack the car and put everything away. Won’t be that bad really. I already put a few things into the rental house garage bc we were over there last night (so K could get somebody’s rent and then to go to P and P’s for supper which was nice except that I drank too much wine). This morning I will take out what goes here, then bring the rest of the stuff that goes to the rental house. THEN I must start in on those walls. Need to get going on that right away bc I don’t know how long it will really take. Then tonight K is showing The Big Lebowski  at the Lutheran church. An attempt to get students there doing something they will like. Not sure if any will show. But maybe I will go.

                Right now I desperately need to fill my bucket by sitting here writing, then I need to meditate. Then eat something, I am really hungry. I don’t want to go to Black Sheep, I am getting sick of their greasy pastries. Maybe we should switch our Sunday morning routine to Raos, or to Loose Goose. Well I don’t think we’re going anywhere this morning because it is already kind of late, I must do all the stuff I must do, and K wants to go to Wesley.

                Major existential crisis over the whole fair thing. I had a rather crummy day yesterday, sold just barely enough to cover the entry fee. Well, part of me of course wants to continue to support the Family Center, but not sure that is the best way to do it. I could just give them $100. I could offer to do some sort of demo spinning thing. It is just so discouraging to be there all day and not sell much of anything. And why am I doing it anyway? Is making money my main focus in life? I do realize that I do not really make enough to support myself. Though these days, with my ¾ time salary, plus the room rental, it is pretty close. Alone I might not be able to afford the house, but then I could rent more rooms if I were actually alone. I started doing the selling thing as a way to justify my hobby. I was feeling pressure from K. He kept asking things like why don’t you sell those sweaters you make? It is discouraging to see others that have probably not been doing this fair thing so long seeming to have more success. Certainly other booths I saw looked much more polished. Mine always seems so thrown together. What is the point of working so hard to make more money? I don’t feel like we need all that much money. Well, K needs it to go on his trips. I don’t even want to know how much his trip out west with his friend cost. But I don’t feel a need for those kinds of things. There is also the issue of what to do with all the stuff I make. After all, giving it away can be a problem as people don’t always like the things they get. At least if they buy it, presumably they want it. Except that often they buy things to give to someone else, so who knows if the recipient wanted it. One solution might be to try again with weaving. My original plan there was to take up weaving as a way to more quickly use yarn that I spun. I cannot knit fast enough to use what I spin, but weaving is faster and uses more yarn. I could finish the rugs I started and then try using my own yarn for a warp and weave something. A shawl for starters, eventually a nice thick blanket. And really eventually some fabric that I could use to make clothing. Really, after all, there are projects for people that I have not done because I seem so busy making stuff for the booth. I have the lined mittens for my niece. The idea of an angora union suit for L. and what about making something lovely from my tanned skins? I put one of the recently finished ones into a bag of cornmeal to clean the fur itself. It seems to have worked pretty well. I will need to get lots more cornmeal and do the rest. Then I need to actually make something. As far as fairs go, there is the Hartsbrook Fair, and the Winter Fest to go this fall. I have plenty of stuff spun for those, what I could stand to do is get more just angora stuff knit up – some hats, some smaller scarf type things.

                Time to think about: feed buns, eat breakfast (oat bran woo hooo), unload the car here, unload the car there. Then start on the walls. Not particularly exciting, any of it. I guess I’ll listen to Mill while I do some of those things. What else can cheer me? Boy I don’t know. I am feeling pretty darn glum and discouraged. Kind of green around the gills. Still have this cold too, which doesn’t help. Oh, before anything else I will meditate, which I hope will help.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Happy Birthday Me - Yesterday

2012-9-28 Friday

8:30 am

                Happy Birthday Me. 56 to be precise. Not that that seems at all possible. How old do I sense myself internally (note that that is different from how old do I feel)? Maybe 40 seems about right….. well I certainly don’t FEEL 40, in fact this morning I feel fully 56. I won’t say older since, who knows but that when I am older I will feel far worse and then think back on what I said with despair. Unfortunately this will not be any kind of lovely celebratory birthday. I had half thought to drive in today, so that I could stop off at Atkins to pick up some lovely sweet treats. I even thought to have them outside the classroom this morning to share with students. But it is raining and miserable today, so G needed a car. I managed to pack the fair stuff from the rental house into the station wagon, and I need to pack in the rest this afternoon, so since K will be home early and G will not, she took the little car. Anyway, I also at one point thought that maybe after 4^th hour I would leave and do some sort of nice hike. But that will not be, either. I managed to bring all the respirometry stuff up to the lab yesterday, but today I must set it all up. That will be a bit of a chore. And then I must get home early enough to load the car. It will be nasty to do in the rain, but at least there is not too much. K is going to go to the cool beer store in Easthampton with a friend after work, and I suggested that maybe we go out for supper with the friend. I enjoy his company. So we will try to go to the Mission Cantina. I’ll try to see if they will take a reservation. Otherwise it is always a long wait unless you can get there really early.

                So I am writing on the bus. Only way to do it today. I had tried listening to Mill On The Floss but the reader is too quiet and the bus noises too loud. As I said I am feeling kind of crummy. I still have this bit of a cold. Shouldn’t complain, really, as it is just low-level, nothing to keep me from getting anything done. Just enough to make it hard to sleep.

                What I REALLY should be doing is writing a letter to L. I will try to do that after 4^th hour so I can get it mailed off today. Because I also have the letter Mom wrote that needs to get mailed off. Maybe I’ll even do something like go to Tailgate and get some sort of breakfast sandwich if they have them, write the letter, mail it off, and then set to getting the lab ready. Good news: the Prof was fine with the revisions I made to the lab. It is still not perfect, but I am happier with it. That was a ton of work, going through all the steps and doing them as I read and revised. I don’t know how it will be for the blood and urine labs. Well, this respirometry will last 2 weeks, with break in-between, then I think there is a conferring about independents lab, then is the blood. So that gives me some time to work that stuff out. It would also be really nice to see if we could use Vernier for the EKG stuff. Look into that before I do anything with revising the heart labs. Ok. Bus is nearly there.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!!http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Two Fer One Day

7:30 am

                It’s way too cold out in the sun room to sit and write, so I am sitting in the living room instead. No fire in the stove yet, too much bother for that, but soon…… and soon I must do my stretches, feed the buns (F the Bs) and get started on the day. I was in bed for 11 hours last night. I think my feeling kind of crummy all day yesterday was due to coming down with something. I felt like I was starting in with a cold over the weekend, then it seemed like Monday it just settled into my stomach. I did fine in lab, but even there I just felt crummy. I did manage to get to the Registry, and I picked up our share at the farm, and I came home and fed buns and had supper (of fish….) but after that I had zero energy for any cooking which is what I had been intending to do – deal with the rabbit meat and start the jerky and now I have all these share veggies. But I did none of it, instead I got into bed, read the rest of Gabriela and went to sleep. And slept til about 15 mins ago. And had lots of complicated dreams. So that is that. I feel a bit better today. I think I will not try the really early morning gym thing. Instead I’ll try to have things together enough to go after lecture.

                Today – I will do that cooking, and get things ready for the fair (twist and label skeins, try to finish the scarf that is nearly done), and grade the Thursday group papers, and see if I can revise the manual from here.  I need to install the correct program into all the computers tomorrow, but I don’t think that will make too much difference in how I explain things. Though I am not sure I can really explain it if I am not actually doing it at the same time.

                What will I do for fun? Well, the cooking part should be fun enough. I’ll have the radio or Mill on the Floss to listen to. I am not finding the switching readers in that Librivox recording to be as distracting as I had thought. I do prefer one reader all the way through, but it is also kind of fun to hear how different people do it.

                I have kind of a headache coming on, maybe more manifestation of this cold or whatever it is. Yesterday the students first heard about their independent and started brainstorming about it. I hope it turns out well. I can’t be that much help as far as things that work well as I have never done it. One student wants to do something related to her asthma and breathing, so of course we have all the respiration stuff. But I don’t know how the logistics of her using it will work. I guess it will have to be sometime when either Sarah or I can be there to open the room. I don’t think we want all that equipment and the computers in an unlocked room. That will take some figuring.

                Oh, the other biggy that I must work on today is the rental room. I did nothing at all about it over the weekend. I think his plan is to move out today, so that will help. Now the question is, will I be able to figure out how to and then manage to fix the walls. It shouldn’t be too hard, though once I put the squares of sheetrock back in, I will need to caulk the joint and then really I should paint. I don’t know if I have a car today – looks like not. So if I need stuff to help me out, I guess I’ll have to wait until Kent gets home, or else bike which I don’t want to do with this cold thing going on. Well I will get started on it.

                The thing I find disturbing is how tired I am once I get home and deal with supper and feeding buns. By then I seem to be completely beat and unable to do anything else. It is discouraging. Maybe it is because I am having to start up so much earlier than past years. Well, I will have to try to ease off a bit in terms of obsessively getting in with K (which means leave here around 7) and coming home with K (which means leave work at 6). If I take the 7:45 bus, it gets me there in time for lecture. And I can take the bus home and get here more like 5 or 5:30 which on days that I must do supper (most days) that is better than getting home at 6:30.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Written at Work

9-24 Monday 11 am

                Well here’s a new idea – write my MPs at work, sitting in my office. Not sure how well it will work. I am using my adorable little laptop, but cannot seem to connect to the internet, but I expect I will be able to figure that out eventually. I really ought to go outside to write as it is quite nice out. And this office is kind of tomb-like. Ok, I will try that!

                Well now I am in fact outside sitting in an Adirondack chair. What I need to do soon is review the graded lab assignments that I will be returning in lab today, put the grades on them and enter them in my grade sheet. And print out the notes that I wrote up to return with them. Then I need to get back to work on the manual for next week. I will once more go through the gas exchange part to make sure the instructions make sense. MAYBE  I can wing it so I don’t have to come in tomorrow…… that would be lovely. I have the Apple Harvest fair this Saturday, for which I will need to load up the car and it would be nice to not stay too late at work Friday so I can do that.

                How was the rest of my weekend after my miserable Friday? Well, I do feel like I got a reasonable number of things done. Saturday I cannot really remember, except that I wound and washed a few skeins, and Kent and I actually hiked up Bare Mt which was nice. It is really such a quick up and back, we should definitely do it more often. I did feel like I spent all weekend washing dishes. It gets pretty tedious. Sunday I finished the grading, plucked 3 rabbits and processed 2 more. These 2 were older, which I always find kind of hard. I had really had high hopes for Dusty, but her coat was short, and the truth was that the color was not anything very exciting once spun up. And Dolores, besides being pretty mean, also had a kind of short and coarse coat. So now I am at 11 adults and the 5 babies of whom I will keep one white, maybe a male. I may also keep a white female, I will see how their coats look/feel as they get older. I will not keep the chocolate or black, but I will probably bring them to the fair, and if I can get to it I will make a new poster to put around for them. I should also figure out how to post on the Angora Rabbits list and on Ravelry to let people know that they are available.

                So that was a good bit of work yesterday, though I did nothing about the renter’s room, nor about fixing the roofs of those 2 hutches. Our renter is working on packing up, so really the truth is that it will be easier to work on it once at least most of his stuff is out. But that will not be until Tuesday and that means it all must be done Sunday since I will have no time Saturday. This afternoon I must zoom after lab to the Registry of Motor Vehicles to get my license renewed. I had hoped to do it on-line, but I guess you can only do that so many times before they decide they need a new photo. I hope I can get there in time. K said he’d make supper, which will mean more fish. Yuck. I have rabbit to cook, but it is good,  because I can start it and let it stew all day tomorrow to get it really tender. And I will freeze some for a little while, then cut it thin, marinate it and put it in the oven for jerky. L said (I got a letter on Fri!!!!!!) that the jerky was really good. So I’ll make more that she can take to Utah.

                I decided last night that I would get up really early this morning so I could go to the gym before lecture. In the middle of the night I decided I would not do that, since I went to bed kind of late (dealing with boning rabbit). So I turned off my cell phone alarm. Then I woke up at 6 (instead of 5:45) anyway and realized that I was not going to get back to sleep. So I got up and did get in early enough (because I had the car). So I did go to the gym, but it turned out to be not so great an idea. I felt nauseous and crummy and only ended up using the stationary bike and not being very rigorous with it. So I guess working out after lecture is probably better, as long as I am ready enough for lab after on Monday. Wed is ok because I have no lab. I actually am still feeling a bit sick which I suppose is part of why I wanted to sit and write Morning Pages. Well that is all fine, but I need to get back to it all. 1 ½ hours til lab. And I need to work on that manual.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!! http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries

Not So Great End to a Not So Great Week

6:30 am

                Well I have to say that I am completely miserable today. First off, I think I am coming down with a cold which royally sucks. And something is off with my right foot so that it hurts to walk which also sucks. And I could hardly sleep last night. So now I am sitting in the living room which is dark attempting to type. I can’t really see the screen so I have no idea if it is turning out all wonky, but it probably is. Well too bad. It has been a pretty crummy week. I’ve been working way too hard and not having enough down time. Yesterday was odd, and not in a particularly good way. I drove into work and arrived just at 9 for 4^th hour. I was intending to go to that spinning thing at Shelburne Falls, so before I left I started to get stuff into the car, then realized that all the tables, etc are at the other house. And I did not have a key, nor really time to get over there, so I decided I’d go to work, then stop at the house on the way from work. I arrived and once 4^th hour started I asked the prof if I could go work on the manual instead (and told her briefly about all the trouble I had with working so hard then losing it all to the frozen computer). She was very understanding and agreed. So I went back to good old room 13. And this is after staying there until 7:30 Thursday night. I worked really hard and managed to get a good bit done. Thought I would go over to knitting , but I did not have my knitting with me, and I had not brought the class flyers which was my intention in going there, to give them some flyers to try to spread word about the class. – little detour, I just checked once again and nope, no one has signed up – anyway, I had left those in the car, so there didn’t seem any good point on going to  knitting. So I just left to go straight to get my stuff and go to the event. Only I needed to eat lunch, so I stopped at Atkins which was crowded and there was a line and I didn’t see that for sandwiches you needed to take a ticket, so I was way behind others who had come up after me, and it all sucked so I left. I went instead to Flayvors and got a sandwich there, which took forever. By the time I was back in the car, it was 1:15. This thing was scheduled to start at 2 and it takes> ½ hour to get there, so I decided I would just drive straight there and forget my stuff. I had knit things and skeins in the car, as well as my spinning stuff, so I figured I would just do the spinning part, and have my bins there in case anyone was interested, and I would have the fliers. So I zoomed off. Somewhere around Sunderland I put G’s cd in – Mamas and Papas – and from there through nearly to Shelburne Falls I was blasting the music and singing along very loudly and very badly. It was good, cathartic, healthy. Probably the best part of my day. I arrived in Shelburne and then had to figure out where the event  was. Well, it turns out that when I looked at the map on line, I was looking at it upside down. What I thought was west of the river was really east, so I did some driving around, and finally stopped to ask, and then figured it out. By then I was feeling annoyed, hassled, discouraged. I got to the right spot, and here is the odd thing. First thing I saw was a woman  who comes to all these things, has several kids, they must have sheep, she sells stuff she makes including lots of roving. For some reason I REALLY did not want to see her. Next thing I saw was a very old friend, setting up a booth, presumably for either massage or some sort of health thing. There were several booths set up, and I suddenly realized I did NOT want to be there. Several things I believe – I did not have my whole set up, but just a tossed together bunch of stuff, so at best I would have looked kind of random; I hate the whole competitive aspect of all these damn fairs, and I did not want to deal with that just then with other fiber people; and for some reason I did NOT want to encounter my old friend. I had thought when planning to come, that I might see her and that seemed like a good thing. But then, arriving and seeing her setting up her booth, just turned it somehow. So I left. Yes, it was a waste, but I decided I just did not want to be there. I knew I would not sell anything, and who the hell from Shelburne Falls is going to want to drive to Amherst for 4 weeks to take a spinning class? I decided I would rather go home and spend the afternoon by myself. Which I did. And first I stopped at the bank to deposit checks which was much needed.

                So much for the afternoon. I had a reasonably pleasant time spinning on the deck for about an hour, though I really wanted to take a rest but felt I couldn’t because I didn’t know if the repairman would appear to work on the washer. I had thought K would be home, but he was not, so I felt like I needed to stay awake. It was ok until K did come home and then there was a blow up about the dog. I had heard the car (Tigger kept hearing things and barking and every time I thought it was the repairman), so when it turned out to be K, and by then it was nearly 5 I decided I would feed T (otherwise Kent would ask pointedly if Tigger had been fed and seem annoyed if he had not). So I left him in the pantry way and started to get out his food. But of course, with K arriving, Tigger was barking, meaning he was peeing all over the floor. So K was annoyed anyway when he came in and shouted about where was his diaper (I had taken it off when I was on the deck bc he was out there peeing into it and he needs some time with it off to air out). Anyway, that ended out being a shouting match and sucked. And I had thought it was a good thing that K was back bc now I could rest, but he had to leave again to deliver his big Lebowski posters. So that also was unpleasant. Well, he came back pretty quickly, and I did go to meditate in the sun room. Which he knew I was going to do, the idea being that he would be there for the repairman. Only, when the man did arrive, K had to come out and tell me, thus interrupting my meditation/rest. Like why the hell did he have to tell me, does he not know where the washer is? Anyway, that all happened, I finished, then started cooking some broccoli and cabbage for supper, the repairman came up and then stayed to chat and chat about returning things to stores…. We finally ate, and I had suggested that we go see the Sleepwalk With Me movie at the cinema. Why do I do that, continually suggest going to movies when I don’t even really like it that much? And I often have trouble sleeping after movies. Well, it seemed like a good idea, a bit of an escape. But it wasn’t a good idea. Well, at first I did enjoy the movie. I got pretty wrapped up in it. But then, this woman in front of me, asked me to stop kicking the back of her chair. Was I doing that? Was I that restless? I had not noticed, I had not meant to do anything. It fed into all that old stuff about me being annoying – and especially being most annoying when I am enjoying myself and so forget myself somehow. It sucked and it basically ruined the entire rest of the movie and evening for me. I felt like I had to sit completely still and not move at all. And then is when I realized that K was obviously not enjoying the movie at all. So that was that. It all sucked. When we got home I fed buns and stretched tanned skins a little more, and eventually went to bed but basically could not sleep and I feel like I am getting a cold. Which also sucks because there is a lot that should get done today. Besides grading which I have not even started, there is yard stuff like mowing the lawn and digging out manure and dealing with the garden beds. I must renew my driving license, and there is always financial stuff that needs doing and gets put off. And all the cleaning and laundry that I have not done all week. I feel awful.

                And especially the whole thing with Shelburne Falls brings up feelings I’ve been having recently. Questions about why I do all this? I kill myself at these fairs and it seems like the big goal is to make money. Is that really the main goal of my life? Is it that important to me that I make money from spinning etc? and is having these rabbits and all that I do with them so very very important? I like the self-sufficiency aspect, but so much work goes into everything. I feel spread too thin. Nothing gets done well. It all feels so pointless.

Visit my new Etsy Shop!!http://www.etsy.com/shop/twistedmysteries